I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
