When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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