The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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