i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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