i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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