The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
