Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
