I wanna passion pit in your ass
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
