At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
