i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
you had me at cake vodka
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
