Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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