Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
