I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
We named our party play list daddy issues
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize