The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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