Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
