so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
That accounts for only three of the penises
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
