I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Let's get the cat blown out
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
