her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize