I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
where are you?
Hypothermia
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
