I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
