I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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