So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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