Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
