dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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