I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
