every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
