He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
i've created a new STD.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
