i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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