I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
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