So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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