My first STD was from a foam party
We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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