Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
