Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
