all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
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