my phone needs a breathalizer
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
