One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
