NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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