I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize