Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I think my moral compass just broke
Randomize
