i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize