Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
