I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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