why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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