: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
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