anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
