She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize