I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
