so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
