Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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