Im at strip club and am horny
You smell like a Billy Joel song
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Randomize
