My hand turned me down
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Randomize
