remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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