I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
