maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I AM VODKA MAN
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
