She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
