So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
