It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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