Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
only you would photoshop your dick
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
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